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Elyse Watches The Bachelor with Kraken Rum and CokeSo this week’s Bachelor opens on a weird note.

Joey is Montreal. We get his monologue while he looks out over scenic views, saying that his biggest fear is that he won’t wind up in a relationship at the end of the show.

Then he says, “I’m trying to do my best to show who I am and express how I feel, but it’s just hard to do that while also being more fun and being light and sometimes it’s just not me… I’m not this super energetic ‘here we go Joey’ and that’s not who I am.”

He starts getting teary eyed.

Someone behind the camera asks him why he feels the need to be perfect.

“I don’t feel the need to be perfect, I feel like people expect me to be,” he says, holding back tears. “Most of my life I’ve been struggling with the fact that I don’t feel perfect. I feel like there’s a lot of shit that’s wrong with me.” He sniffs. “I gotta work through it. It’s tough. I’ve always been my biggest critic.”

Then he says he needs a  break and he walks away.

Guys, this is just the intro monologue.

Click for me

a chonky cat opens its mouth in surprise

Joey sits on a park bench with his head in his hands

For some context, at this point in the competition everyone is exhausted and their immune systems are in the toilet and they’re all hungover and they’re all fighting off the same cold.

Anyway, we cut to Jesse greeting the women and it turns out he speaks French. Huh.

The first date is a group date and they go souvenir shopping. Later they make their own poutine. Jenn adds pineapple and Sriracha to hers. Joey gags when he tries it.

Meanwhile Jess is struggling with why she hasn’t had a one-on-one.

The women and Joey pose holding Canadian flags. Some are wearing headbands with two canadian flags sticking from the top like antennae, and one person is holding the flag of Quebec province.

During the cocktail hour, everyone is kind of down.

Joey asks them how they’re doing and there’s an awkward silence.

Honestly, everyone needs to go to take a nap.

The first person to talk to him is Katelyn, and she pretty much starts crying right off the bat.

Then Kelsey A talks to him and tells him that she’s really struggling. She starts crying.

This is going great you guys!

[Ed. note: poor Canada. It’s not you, it’s their exhaustion!]

Click for this date

A dumpter is on fire

Lexi asks Joey what his plans for kids and a future are. He tells her he imagines a 2-3 year  engagement plus a few years before he has kids. She starts to cry because she wants kids within the next two years.

Is it just me or does a three year engagement feel long? IDK.

Jenn tells Joey she’s falling for him.

Jess also tells him that she’s falling him even though they haven’t had a one-on-one yet.

Meanwhile Joey looks like he’s trying so hard to stay awake.

Joey says that he can’t picture them together in the future. “I know that’s not easy to hear, but I have to be honest through this. I think you’re unbelievable and you deserve the world. I just don’t think it’s right to keep you here.”

He asks to walk Jess out. She cries and asks if she did anything wrong.

The other women, still lounging on the drinking couches, are shocked.  Joey gives the date rose to Jenn.

[Ed. note: I am very confused by the similarity of all these names, and I’m just editing text. No wonder Joey is so tired.]

Next up is the one-on-one with Kelsey T.  She says she doesn’t open up to people and her trust level is at “0.0%” so it makes total sense that she chose this show to find true love.

ANYWAY.

They get to train with Cirque du Soleil. They are doing stunts and Joey gets motion sick. The dinner they aren’t allowed to eat is served in the middle of an empty church because…I got nothing.

Kelsey tells him that she’s estranged from her dad because she chose not to follow his religious path and she went to college, which he didn’t approve of.

Joey wipes a tear off Kelsey's cheek.

He gives her the date rose.

Then they kiss while some guy plays the violin and an aerialist performs behind them. In an empty church.

The next one-on-one goes to Maria. Joey picks her up in a limo and they go on the much coveted shopping date. She picks out a fancy dress and then they take a helicopter ride over the city.

During dinner she tells him that she’s falling for him. Then we get a pop up concert and they dance.

Later we see Lexi knock on Joey’s hotel room door. He looks so tired, you guys. His eyes literally keep closing.

Lexi, meanwhile, pours her heart out saying she wants to start on a family right away because she doesn’t know what that journey will look like with her endometriosis. She tells him that she feels a connection with him, but that they’re on different timelines.

Joey walks her out.

Then it’s time for the pre-Dreaded Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Daisy makes Joey give her a foot rub, and I respect it.

Joey rubs Daisy's feet

Jenn teaches him how to play the piano.

He and Rachel have kind of a goofy chemistry and I ship it… as much as I ship any of them.

When the women line up for the Rose Ceremony, Maria and Kelsey T have roses. There are only three roses left on the table, so two women are going home.

Katelyn and Lea go home. That’s it.

Are you watching?

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